Inspiration

I love to create...with words, with paint, with decor, whatever. I need that outlet in my life. After the stress of moving, I looked very forward to decorating our new home. My mom and I joke that she was in one room unpacking while I was decorating in another. Totally fits our personalities! So, I decorated and rearranged over and over until I could live with it. I bought a few things, made some things when I ran out of money, and it's good enough. I hit a point in the process where I was burned out. I was tired of looking, tired of budgeting, tired of trying to find time to do projects, tired of the whole thing. I had lost inspiration. Part of the frustration was in finding time to shop, design, create. I used to paint a lot before having Will, then I took a little break and started again as he got older. Still not nearly as much as before having him, but I got back into it, even selling pieces through a local boutique. After Cy was born, I quit completely. I have done a few things since he was born, but very few. Mostly just for family and friends. It's hard. One of the hardest adjustments into stay-at-home mommyhood is the lack of time for myself. I have the boys in our church preschool one day a week, but I almost always spend that time going to appointments, running errands, cleaning, etc.


Don't get me wrong- I love being a mom. I love being a stay-at-home mom. I'm just still figuring out the balance of doing my best at being their mother and not completely losing myself in the process.


Over the last couple of days, I have come across two blogs which have gotten me excited about created, designing, and decorating again. Kari and Kijsa are amazing designing sisters. They have great design ideas on their site, even some how-to's. And my new favorite site is The Nesting Place. This woman is such an inspiration in decorating! Reading her blog made me want to grab my purse and run to Hobby Lobby. She is also a Dave Ramsey girl, which makes me think she feels my pain on the budget thing. I'm all excited now and can't wait to start some projects in my spare time! :) Seriously, though, my wheels are turning.

What sites inspire you?

Link

My SIL, Julie, took these photos of Cy warming up on Nana's lap after a swim at our Father's Day celebration. Look how sweet this boy is! I could just eat him up!

Long Time, No Write

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted anything. I know you've wept as you've waited breathlessly for my next post. And so now I will disappoint you yet again with this one. I'm merely posting to say that my computer died, crashed, call it what you like. I'm not sure if a virus, a storm, or a 15-month-old little boy got a hold of it. They all have the same ending. I have my mom's laptop so I can finish my work on it (I work for my parents' company from home). Matt's been working a lot, and I have some painting to catch up on too, so I probably won't post for a little bit. Don't give up on me, though. Just check back in a week or two.

Rockin' Frosty

Irony

I just watched the Top Chef finale (go, Stephanie!!) while eating a Fruit Roll-Up.

Our Adoption Story

By request, I am posting the article I wrote for the BCS magazine. It was only published in our state's copies of the magazine, although it is possible the national office will pick it up at some point and publish it nationally at that time. For now, here it is. If you already know the story, you can skip this post. If you don't know, here is how we came to be Cy's parents (in way fewer words than I wanted to use)!

There is deep pain in knowing your joy is in the wake of someone else’s grief. We could have never learned that truth if not for adoption. And we will never forget it.

We got the call on February 28, telling us that we had been chosen by an expectant mother to adopt her child, just over a month after our approval. We felt a flurry of emotions—excitement and anticipation, anxiety and fear—but we did not set up a nursery or clean out the nearest Baby Gap. Having felt the loss of a child through miscarriage, neither my husband, Matt, nor I wanted to attach to this baby as our own. Not only would it hurt too much if something went wrong, but the baby wasn’t ours. That emotional disconnect was easier said than done.

We met K, the mom who had chosen us, in her hometown. There were awkward silences, but it was more comfortable than I had expected. I can still see her face streaked with tears as the birthparent counselor asked what she would want us to tell the baby about why she chose adoption. After a few heartbreaking seconds, she replied, “It’s just the best thing.”

On March 26, we got the call that K was in labor. We finished packing our bags, took our son, Will, to my parents, and drove to K’s local hospital. After delivery, we saw K first, and she was doing well. We went to the nursery next where we caught our first glimpse of the baby who would be our son. We stood at the window with smiles as big as our faces could hold and tears flowing freely down our cheeks. He was red and screaming at the top of his lungs, but we thought he was perfect.

There was no hiding how hard it was for K the next day. No mother should ever have to say goodbye to her child, and no one else should ever have to watch it happen. We all cried and hugged, and then we left… with her baby boy. We loved him like just like we loved our biological son. We felt like his parents from the moment we looked at him through the glass. Yet we were driving away with a piece of his mother’s heart, and that is a feeling I cannot explain.

We were home with Cy for two precious days before our world turned upside down. We learned that K had decided to parent on Thursday morning. We had to give our son back. I put Cy in his best outfit and sent him back to K with a trunk full of baby supplies. After putting him in the social worker's car, we walked inside, collapsed on our bed, and cried until we were too exhausted to do it anymore.

For weeks, I was in a fog of grief. I didn’t see family or friends and couldn’t pretend to be normal. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling okay or even better. I held on to Psalm 121 and Isaiah 55:8-9, and little by little, God restored my soul. He gave me moments of peace, but the grief was still overwhelming. We sent K a letter and Bible after Cy left. We shared the Gospel with her and hoped she would read the Bible. We prayed she would come to know and love Christ, teaching Cy to as well. After several weeks, I started to phase back into my life, and Will still asked me where Cy was almost everyday.

Six weeks after Cy had left our home, our lives changed forever. Matt told me Cy was back in Bethany’s custody, and K wanted us to be his family again. I fell to my knees and wept. The child I had loved and lost was coming home.

We picked him up two days later. He looked so different, and we were numb. We had five more days before the revocation period was over, and we felt the weight of that every moment. We still felt the burden of K’s loss but were comforted to know she had made the decision based solely on her love for him.

The following Sunday was Mother's Day, but the waiting period was not to be over until the next day. I couldn't bear to hear others’ reactions at church, so we went directly to the sound booth as soon as we arrived. I stood with Cy in my arms and sang to the God who had brought him back to me. God led me to a place I had never been before: a place where I was at His feet, in awe and wonder of His work in my life; a place where I could look down at Cy's tiny body in my arms and realize that he would be my son; a place where I could see the pain and questions I had endured for weeks and know they had a purpose.

We could never have known K’s grief in losing Cy or her joy in having him back without having felt similar emotions ourselves. Through our love and pain, we are connected in a way I could have never imagined… and that is a gift to all of us and our son.

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." Psalm 30:11-12

Gotcha Day

This is three posts in three days, might be a record for me.

Today is the one-year anniversary since Cy's adoption finalization. We got up early, drove to the city where the hearing was to meet our attorney. My parents came, and we all sat there in the judge's chambers for the proceedings. Afterward, we took pictures and all went to breakfast to celebrate. It was a great day, surreal but great. Will made his presence known as well! :) It was so sweet. Cy was so tiny then. And if I'm remembering correctly, he screamed all the way home. Ah, the good ol' days, right? It helps me not be so nostalgic and sad when I think about what it was really like! I miss that tiny baby to cuddle with, but I don't miss the rest.

And I'm happy to say that since Daddy's been gone a lot lately (summer in ministry), Cy is liking me more these days. Sounds strange, I know, but I've not been his favorite person since...well, ever. He's starting to really like me now, though, I think. I say it with a sense of humor because he's a Daddy's boy, and Matt deserves to have one of them prefer him (Will's all mine for now!). :) And also because I know he loves me ; it's just that he tends to take out his aggression on me more than on anyone else. He keeps getting more and more fun. He still throws fits and bangs his head on the floor, but I'm getting more used to it and feel more prepared to handle it. His little personality is so much fun. His laugh comes from his toes, and his smile lights up the room.